Posts Tagged ‘witty’


Sophisticated IdiotWell there are four type of people in the world –

1. Those who don’t give a shit about what other thin and do anything in public.(Yep, those who do stupid things like pricking their noses in public come under this category.)

2.Those who don’t care what other think but are well-mannered.

3.Those who care what others think and behave in public.

4. Those who show off  their manners and they try to show how ‘sophisticated’, delicate they are(and unfortunately they are mostly girls!!)!!

Yes, the fourth kind is the kind whom i call sophisticated idiots! The symptoms of sophisticated idiocy are-

  1. EATING– The most noticeable (and irritating!) behavior of this disease is wiping the mouth(wiping  after every bite. Eat, chew and wipe, eat, chew and wipe,  eat, chew and wipe I mean what the hell??
  2. OVERREACTING– Another of the symptom is making comments. Not normal comments but comments like how downmarket, eeeewwwww(where the ‘u’ is pulled so long that it look like a classical song)!!!
  3. FOLLOWER– Have you ever seen on t.v that a girl(who comes under my definition of sophisticated idiot!) is been followed by two of her ‘followers? Yes that also happen in reality, not to that extend as shown in t.v(t.v shows the followers as a type of dog who wags its tail whenever the leader gives a command.
  4. Sneezing– Perhaps one of the most irritating habit is there sneezing style they sneeze so softly and then with the tip of there fingers hold touch the part just below there neck and softly say excuse me!
  5. HICCUPS– They hiccup in the same style as they sneeze but what is more irritating is that they giggle after every SINGLE BLOODY HICCUP!!
  6. CLAPPING– They never clap they do it just for style. To learn how to clap like them follow the following steps-
    • First keep your left hand horizontally
    • Then touch the finger tips of other hand touch the extremeeeeeeeeee right end of your left hand.
    • Now lift your right hand and gentally repeat the 2nd instruction(DON’T MAKE ANY NOISE!!)
  7. WIPING – Whenever they sweat they never wipe their face they only take a tissue and gentally TOUCH there face as if if they wipe it there face may disfigure!!

Credits-

  • Ankita Sharma-She is a great hater of these type of people and we had a nice long conversation on their irritatinghabits
  • My Father-At a party he asked me to keep a napkin below my plate so i while replying to him by saying that this is a habit of .. i failed to produce a appropriate word for them. And later i thought of the name sophisticated idiots and decided to mock them cause they resemble bullshit, and I MOCK AT BULLSHIT!!!!!

They say india is a land of many cultures. Well, yes it is!!! The problem however is the fact that being a land of culture means that it also is a land of rituals, and a hell lot of them!! Lets track the life of a child and the infinite rituals he goes through. Well the child is born, celebration and of course a havan(a type of prayer in which a flame is lit), you see that’s the problem in india every celebration is accompanied by a ritual and mostly a havan. The mother for the first time breast feeds the child then also another havan. Then the child is balded and another havan! The child grows ups and learn to walk another havan!! The childs speaks for the first time so another havan! But the main events take place around the wedding. The marriage is fixed, havan! The bride then goes through a number of rituals like getting herself covered from head to toe in turmeric and millions of other rituals(fortunately(for you and me!)i don’t remember them all). Then the marriage occurs and again the bride goes through another set of rituals! Like kicking a pot of rice before taking the first step in the grooms house! And then putting the hand in a pot full of money to grab as much As possible!

Then comes the first series of festivals they all are named like first Holi etc.(these are also celebrated if it they are the first series of festivals for a new-born baby(i forgot to mention them in the beginning)) and all of these are throughly celebrated and are mostly accompanied by a havan!! Then the girl becomes pregnant so,it time for another havan! The baby is born and the series of havan, celebration restarts! Then the man dies. And the family members do a hell lot of rituals and havans. One for the peace of the soul, one to ensure that the soul goes to heavens(WHAT DO THE EXPECT? THE GOD WILL SAY”you are going to hell because ur family members haven’t done enough no. of havans?!?”)then finally the persons ashes are flown into ganga the holy(and super dirty) river! So basically a man goes through a hell lot no. of rituals in life!!


CID is the short for crime investigation department. However since 1998, a person named B.P singh has been dedicated to insure that the full form of CID becomes chupa indian detective! yes my friends I am talking about the unfortunately hit series CID on the Sony television. Well, well where should i start critizing the utter nonsense serial? should i start from the fact that the main character is utterly stupid? or from the fact that the main character thinks that every thing including traffic can be broken(yeah, traffic. in one episode ACP(the main character) says to Daya,”Daya, traffic tood do!!”(Daya, break the traffic!!)) or from the fact that all the character are incredibly stupid(the ACP specially. he makes statements like,”Yahan lash pade hai, iska matlab yahan khoon hua hoga!!”(a corpse is lying here that means that a murder was committed here!!))  and they act like they are the Indian Sherlock Homes! over all theseial suffer from a bullshit plot, bullshit acting, bullshit characters and not to mention super bullshit dialogues. At he end of every episode the main negative character has a nervous breakdown(in short uske fat jate hai!) and he confesses the crime. dude what the hell? So basically it sucks. And obiously not to mention it has the trademark charastic of all indian serials namely OVERACTING!!!

And for those who disagree with me and like CID, i ask them dude what do you like in it? The fact that acp is amazingly ‘intelligent’ or the fact that every time he sees something suspicious(err…suspicious here means stupidly suspicious like finding a man standing with a blood stained knife aside a corpse(no the man ain’t a confirm criminal he is a suspect!!(acp is intelligent ain’t he???)) he aligns his index, middle finger and thumb perpendicular to each other and then stupidly rotates his hand?? Or acp’s dialouges(like daya traffic tood do!!!) but frankly i like it cause it the best comic serial bieng aired currently!!!


Mr. PerfectEnough Serious story so here’s another satire!
You see this isn’t my idea. I was challenged to write this. So you see this might not be my masterpiece. But right now I am facing a crisis, a crisis of having no ideas what to write. I am lying on my couch with my Apple wireless keyboard in my right hand and my left one is deep inside a Lays packet searching for survivors. My eyes are glued to my Macbook all –in-one PC. Wow! I got an idea or atleast I understood the topic, it can mean 2 things, one that I am not perfect. Two I am perfect ‘cause ‘nobody’ is perfect and I’m that ‘nobody’. So I think it should look like I am humble, so I take the first approach towards the article. But my over grown ego resists. So in the end the battle is won by the ego so I take the second approach. I am perfect, guys! I think this saying or perhaps I should say this phrase was developed or at least this is my theory, when an egoistic child after achieving something hailed that he is perfect only to hear from one of his wise friend that nobody’s perfect but with his ego controlled mouth he replied ‘buddy, I am nobody’ followed by his self satisfied laughter so you see hence this phrase was born. Some take the philosophic approach toward the topic but I think that approach would be a lill’ hard to understand ‘cause that’s boring (maybe that’s why we fail to understand concepts at school) so I’m gonna take the comic approach. To be short this means no one’s perfect (save, me) even though it is contrary to the fact that practice makes a man ‘perfect’, so guys throw your books in your bag grab the couch and sit in front of the TV ‘cause no matter what you do you can’t score 100% marks! Well perhaps this is a phrase that tells us no matter what we do we can’t be perfect, you see there is always space for improvement. Though I don’t know how 100% gaining nerds improve further? Perhaps he should use ‘apsara’ extra dark pencils. (You have seen the advertisement haven’t you?). To be honest I don’t believe in this, I mean what happened to the ‘BE – HAPPY – IN – WHATEVER – YOU – HAVE’ philosophy? So guys even if you get 77 out of 80 work hard for those 3 marks and if you get those 3 marks then aim for err… something above 100% (I have no clue what that is!). This is a phrase that inspires us to achieve more and more. It is, in my opinion, similar to the Rang De Basanti’s character Ajay’s dialogue ‘no country is perfect we have to make it perfect’ the only difference being that this for the humans rather than country. But the approach that made me declare I’m perfect, can be used as a ‘SELF-MOTIVATION’. It can higher the confidence level of someone. But it can also make someone over-confident. So you see both the approach are positive and have the potential to be helpful to someone. The decision lies with you what approach you take. As for me I’m gonna use this phrase to work hard for the next SST exam, as I have achieved my previous goal of bringing more than 50 out of 80 (I got 55) and try next time to get more than 55, you see I follow the phrase ‘slow and steady wins the race’ and thus I wanna be slow and steady in progress too!

Baby by Justin Bieber was A BIG FAT LIE. Here’s what it should have been like:-

You know you don’t love me,
I know you can’t,
 Holy Shit
You shout whenever,
I’m there,
You want a male,
But I am female,
The fact that I am not male,
Broke my heart,
Tore it apart,
I ask you for your phone,
In my girlish tone,
You hear my voice,
You laugh like you are insane,
Then you say,
“You don’t get a gf because of fame!”
I insist,
Then you punch my face with your fist,
My first love broke my jaw for the first time,
And that was like,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, Ahhhh,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, NOOOO,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, AHHHHH,
I just hope it’ll be fine.
To become a male I would have done whatever,
For now I can’t believe my jaw and skull are together,
But in your eyes I am a fool,
I have lost you,
I’ll buy you anything, anything,
But then in the mirror I saw,
On my face the impression of your ring.
The next day,
I am on my knee,
I propose you in public,
You say I created a scene,
You hit your sandal again and again,
I feel like I’m living a bad dream,
Then you throw me down the building,
And I am going down, down, down,
My first love broke my ribs and leg for the first time,
And that was like,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, Ahhhh,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, NOOOO,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, AHHHHH,
I just hope it’ll be fine.
When I was 13, I had my first love,
There was nothing that compared to the power of my baby,
And when she was beating me nobody came between us, who could ever come above,
She had me going broken; oh I was star struck,
She beat me up daily,
And due to swelling my face sucks,
On my face she gave me a pound,
I shake with fear when I see her in the street,
And at school on the playground,
It’s worse when she brings her brothers on the weekend,
She know she got me dazin’ ’cause her punch was so amazin,
And now my leg is breakin’ but I just keep on saying,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, Ahhhh,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, NOOOO,
HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT,
HOLY SHIT, AHHHHH,
I just hope it’ll be fine.
My all bones are gone,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
Now all are gone,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
Now every single bone’s gone,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
(Yeah, yeah, yeah),
They are all gone, gone, gone, gone,
They are gone.

Kapil SibalWell If this is Kapil Sibal reading this then I beg you please reform else a frustrated student will hurdle a shoe at you and put you in the ELITE group of people like George Bush and P. Chidambaram.
(Well, well consider this, 10 class students are makin’ charts, well this is cce aka ‘continuous creation of ediots’.)
You are promoted to class 10, no pressure of boards. Cool! But as the classes start you start lovin’ the idea of boards. Now the weekend is not like weekends. Free days are extinct and the very word ‘play’ is endangered. Why? Because of an asshole named err… I can’t say his name for he’s manuse err… He is Kapil Sibal (next time he will be mentioned by the term ‘you know who’). So you start the year with the feeling’ of joy for there will be no boards.
First month-
You get some chart to make.
Your views-‘Can be tolerated.’
Second month-
You get some more charts. The SST notes are far too long. Long syllabus of Fa1.
Your views-‘Disappointing month’
Third month-
You ask others for holiday hhw. You see the pages, not of finished hhw but of what all has to be done. Far beyond expectation. Models, charts and more charts and more charts.
Your views-‘What the hell?’
Fourth month-
You struggle to finish A hhw. And before you can recover from this disastrous holiday you get to know that your fa2 are approaching, and if this is not enough then you get to know that your hhw are a fa tool (fa tool are another awesome feature of cce due to which your 50% of your marks are given on the basis of how well you lick your teacher’s shoes? How well and how often you use sparkle in your models? How well you speak to your teacher? (for e.g.-if a child says, “what the hell? Ma’am you are the worst teacher I have ever meet” to his teacher then he gets an ‘E’ in his behavior column. And if a child says “excuse me ma’am! No offence but you are the worst teacher I have ever encountered. But these are my views; others may like your lovely voice…” and bla, bla, bla. Then this child gets an ‘A’ in politeness, though both children meant the same thing “ma’am you suck”! But still a little butter as seasoning is necessary. Isn’t it?!)). From one side you face the pressure of completing your hhw and from the other you have to pass in the exam. So you are screwed! And then you get bad marks in the paper and bad marks in the tools so your total is extra bad.
Your views-‘Shit.’
Fifth month-
You have just submitted your last hhw. Oh sorry, sorry, sorry, you have just placed the ORDER for your last hhw! Your family has just forgotten about the passing marks you scored in the last fa. And at the school you get to know that your half yearly or as they call it your sa2 are approaching. You get the syllabus. What’s frightening is SST. Chapters, maps, more chapters, more maps, more chapters, and more maps.
Your views-‘God, save me.’
Sixth month-
You have SST paper tomorrow. You have least possible preparation. Next day passes you are sure that you are fail. Like this only you spend the whole month and at the last paper also, like in all paper, you don’t know anything but still you don’t care because now this feeling of helplessness in the paper is ‘normal’
Your views-‘Board were better.’
Seventh month-
The results are out. You are barely pass. You face your family’s agony. And then, then you come to know that this was just one semester and for another 6 months you will have to bear this.
Your views-‘CCE SUCKS! YOU-KNOW-WHO SUCKS’
So my dear friend the question remains, ‘HOW HAS CCE HELPED US?’

Me, Me and Me!!

Posted: March 27, 2012 in My works
Tags: , , , , ,

Well, well question of the day. Who am i? Well to be frank I’m a nobody. Just another 15 year old who writes articles to ‘change’ the world but can’t even lift his fat ass up from the chair to go and throw a paper in the bin and loiters around himself. I am that nobody who thinks all day about a plot and when he gets time, he dreads to write and the laziness overpowers the creativeness. I am that nobody who mourns about the bloody system the whole day, wastes time in writing the articles that nobody gives a f**k about and when gets low grades due to time wastage, he increases the number of articles. But enough is enough. We, the nobody swear that we won’t let anyone demoralize us. No matter how bullshit our articles may be but we still would beat anyone to pulp anyone who criticizes them. So let me introduce myself. I’m Divyanshu Kalra, a student of M.J.K school (don’t bother about the full form. It is funny enough to make you laugh your head out.) and I pledge to change the world… gotta go a hot girl has moved in the neighborhood, and she just rang the bell. Jackpot, baby, jackpot!!